[Warning: very long post, and possibly uninteresting]
Today, we are on day two of yet another potty training attempt. With Ava's third birthday coming up in a week and half, I am becoming reflective on the last year of her life.
When we finally packed our numerous bags and got on the plane for the long haul over the Atlantic, Ava was 2 years and 3 months old. Already, she had been uprooted from her comfortable home with a yard, transplanted temporarily in a tiny apartment with two bedrooms and a kitchenette and attending a preschool, and was now about to face an entirely new life with only two familiar things: her mommy and her daddy. Well, I should count her pink cat lovey, too.
Her first week in the new country was chaotic with no routine. Her second week was still chaotic but she was starting to get back into her nap/sleep routine again. Then one of the two familiar things she had in a completely new environment was gone: her daddy left the country for two weeks, leaving her and her mommy alone in a new country. Stuck at home with Ava because I was too new to do anything out of the home, I tried potty training her for the first time. She learned quickly and started going both number 1 and number 2 in the potty on her own. Then, after a week or two, she began to have several accidents in a row and showing resistance and then was back in diapers. I can't remember exactly what was happening but I'd realized I made a mistake in attempting potty-training after such a major change and our own lives were so busy getting settled and acclimated to a new country. Bad idea, Mommy.
Nearly two months after arriving in the new country, Ava started preschool, a new routine. Now, she was immersed in a new culture and new language for three mornings a week. After a couple of weeks or so, she began to go three full days a week. It took her two weeks to acclimate to that change before she finally started napping at the preschool. Ever since then, her teachers report that she is remarkably happy, confident, and doing well for being surrounded with people who don't speak her language. This was October and Ava was 2 years and 6 months old.
Starting in October, Ava began to travel with her parents every month for the next 6 months except for the month of November. Looking back, I realize it may have been too many disruptions in a row to Ava's life. We were gone a week in October, with a hiatus in November, a long weekend in December, another week in January, a long weekend in February, and two weeks in March.
There might have been a brief weekend potty training attempt in October but I barely remember that. I just remember that she started holding her bowel movements, suffering the pain of constipation. When we took her to the pediatrician, she said to stop the potty training for a while so we did.
In November, we talked to the preschool and we agreed to attempt potty training together with me starting on a weekend and they taking over on the three days Ava is in school. After a week, her teacher shook her head: she's not ready. I gave it up. Looking back, I never really focused on the potty training. I continued working and tried potty-training with only one half of my attention on it. I didn't really train; I just put her in underwear and basically expected her to train herself with only a few accidents. I didn't use rewards or anything. All it really netted me was extreme frustration.
After we returned from our weeklong trip in January, Ava's preschool and I agreed to attempt another potty-training session. It was the end of January when we started. This time, I really focused on it, using reward charts and reinforcing successes with rewards. For two weeks, it was amazingly successful with only one accident at school and two little ones at home (once from laughing too hard and once from excitement in a game). I was ecstatic. I thought we were well on our way.
Then....(cue ominous music)...we went on a trip in February.
On this trip, she regressed completely. She was extremely resistant to every attempt I made to put her on the toilet. She kept having accidents in her clothes the entire 4-day trip. We didn't put her in diapers (except nighttime) the whole time. When we returned, we continued with potty-training but it turned into a big power struggle. I was losing it, becoming visibly angry with her, unable to tolerate her complete disregard for the potty. She simply did not care about going potty at all. She fought being put on the potty, ignored our commands to go to the potty when she was doing her clenched-legs dance and wet her pants deliberately on the spot. If she let us put her on the potty, she would hold it and then wet her pants 2 minutes after getting off. She was unmotivated and didn't care about rewards or if we used negative reinforcement. Nothing was working. We had yet another trip coming up - this time to America for two weeks. It was foolish to continue such a disastrous potty training session while enduring a long plane ride, ten 8-hour days of our being in meetings and Ava in childcare, and busy vacation days visiting with grandparents. It would've been impossible to expect childcare workers to do the bulk of potty-training with a recalcitrant child. So, Ava was back in diapers again.
Now, it's been a week since we came back from America. We've started potty-training again. Ava will turn three years old in just ten days. I look back and think over her third year of instability and think over all the mistakes I've made. Did I try potty-training when I shouldn't have? Did I give up when I shouldn't have? Did I do it wrong? Do I not understand my child? Were my expectations too unrealistic? Was I too hard on Ava? Did I not focus on her enough and just expected her to keep up with our busy lifestyle? In February, we made a family decision: Ava was no longer going to travel with us on work-related trips whenever possible. Either I stay home with her or she stays with a family in our small group when I am needed to travel. During the trip in February, we'd noticed that she was stressed and she continued to show signs of stress after we returned. That was what made us to decide to put a stop to her traveling.
Well, all I know is that I have to keep trying. As everyone keeps telling me, she won't go to kindergarten in diapers. I've heard many stories from other moms who had a child just like Ava (stubborn, resistant, unmotivated, struggling for power, etc) and they all said it was a loooong haul but eventually their children were potty trained. I even had a colleague, a mother of four children, during the meeting in America this month tell me that when she met and observed Ava, she noticed Ava was just like her second child. She begin to describe her child, now 18 years old, and I started laughing because she was describing Ava to the T. She related that her only difficult potty-training experience was with that second child and from her account, it was worse than what I am enduring now. I had another colleague tell me that her child wasn't potty-trained until the age of four because they'd moved around so much during her toddler years.
So, I'm here to tell you that we're in it for the long haul. I'm praying for unfailing patience, persistence, and commitment to not go back to diapers (except for nighttime) and to clean up every accident, no matter how numerous, without giving up. So, I'm using this blog and depending on you folks to hold me accountable. No diapers unless it's some weird, extreme situation but we're. not. going. back.
Maybe Baby Baby will be easier. :-) I'll definitely be wiser the second time around!
In November, we talked to the preschool and we agreed to attempt potty training together with me starting on a weekend and they taking over on the three days Ava is in school. After a week, her teacher shook her head: she's not ready. I gave it up. Looking back, I never really focused on the potty training. I continued working and tried potty-training with only one half of my attention on it. I didn't really train; I just put her in underwear and basically expected her to train herself with only a few accidents. I didn't use rewards or anything. All it really netted me was extreme frustration.
After we returned from our weeklong trip in January, Ava's preschool and I agreed to attempt another potty-training session. It was the end of January when we started. This time, I really focused on it, using reward charts and reinforcing successes with rewards. For two weeks, it was amazingly successful with only one accident at school and two little ones at home (once from laughing too hard and once from excitement in a game). I was ecstatic. I thought we were well on our way.
Then....(cue ominous music)...we went on a trip in February.
On this trip, she regressed completely. She was extremely resistant to every attempt I made to put her on the toilet. She kept having accidents in her clothes the entire 4-day trip. We didn't put her in diapers (except nighttime) the whole time. When we returned, we continued with potty-training but it turned into a big power struggle. I was losing it, becoming visibly angry with her, unable to tolerate her complete disregard for the potty. She simply did not care about going potty at all. She fought being put on the potty, ignored our commands to go to the potty when she was doing her clenched-legs dance and wet her pants deliberately on the spot. If she let us put her on the potty, she would hold it and then wet her pants 2 minutes after getting off. She was unmotivated and didn't care about rewards or if we used negative reinforcement. Nothing was working. We had yet another trip coming up - this time to America for two weeks. It was foolish to continue such a disastrous potty training session while enduring a long plane ride, ten 8-hour days of our being in meetings and Ava in childcare, and busy vacation days visiting with grandparents. It would've been impossible to expect childcare workers to do the bulk of potty-training with a recalcitrant child. So, Ava was back in diapers again.
Now, it's been a week since we came back from America. We've started potty-training again. Ava will turn three years old in just ten days. I look back and think over her third year of instability and think over all the mistakes I've made. Did I try potty-training when I shouldn't have? Did I give up when I shouldn't have? Did I do it wrong? Do I not understand my child? Were my expectations too unrealistic? Was I too hard on Ava? Did I not focus on her enough and just expected her to keep up with our busy lifestyle? In February, we made a family decision: Ava was no longer going to travel with us on work-related trips whenever possible. Either I stay home with her or she stays with a family in our small group when I am needed to travel. During the trip in February, we'd noticed that she was stressed and she continued to show signs of stress after we returned. That was what made us to decide to put a stop to her traveling.
Well, all I know is that I have to keep trying. As everyone keeps telling me, she won't go to kindergarten in diapers. I've heard many stories from other moms who had a child just like Ava (stubborn, resistant, unmotivated, struggling for power, etc) and they all said it was a loooong haul but eventually their children were potty trained. I even had a colleague, a mother of four children, during the meeting in America this month tell me that when she met and observed Ava, she noticed Ava was just like her second child. She begin to describe her child, now 18 years old, and I started laughing because she was describing Ava to the T. She related that her only difficult potty-training experience was with that second child and from her account, it was worse than what I am enduring now. I had another colleague tell me that her child wasn't potty-trained until the age of four because they'd moved around so much during her toddler years.
So, I'm here to tell you that we're in it for the long haul. I'm praying for unfailing patience, persistence, and commitment to not go back to diapers (except for nighttime) and to clean up every accident, no matter how numerous, without giving up. So, I'm using this blog and depending on you folks to hold me accountable. No diapers unless it's some weird, extreme situation but we're. not. going. back.
Maybe Baby Baby will be easier. :-) I'll definitely be wiser the second time around!
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