Irrational Guilt

Why do I have this irrational quilt for every minute Ava spends indoors at home? I feel like she has to be outdoors, out and about, from dawn to bedtime with only a nap to go indoors for. I also feel like if she isn't outside, her brain will rot or she will become depressed or stop growing or turn into a blob or something. Back home, it was easy to take Ava outdoors because we had a yard out front and back. All I had to do was open the door and we were already occupied. We'd hop into the car and go places. Now, we are mostly surrounded by asphalt and concrete. And we have no car; we can't just spontaneously get up and go. It requires more planning.

I think most of the guilt I have comes from the fact that while indoors, Ava usually wants to watch TV. I don't have a problem with her watching TV because it's usually approved videos that we have on hand. The problem is, it can turn into too much TV time. Before I know it, she has already watched TV for 2-3 hours and that makes me sick. I don't like watching TV that long myself! How do I not notice time flying by with her sitting inactive in front of a screen? Because it's too easy; she's occupied and quiet and I become engrossed in whatever I am doing and the hands on the clock whir inexorably on. Oh, the guilt!

So, I'm trying to stop this. Life is different here and it takes more effort to live in a foreign country. If I plan an outing for her, I have to intentionally think about it and plan ahead for it. There is no hopping back into the car to go quickly home if Ava becomes really fussy or tired. I have to think ahead and anticipate it sooner than I used to and make a long walk back home. And if Ava is already tired and fussy before we start walking back home, she's becomes more difficult to handle and to keep safe while walking these busy roads. Or else she refuses to walk and we carry her 28- or 30-lb self home. A pleasant outing can quickly turn into torture.

I'm trying to be intentional and schedule her week or month with activities. An outing everyday if possible and preschool activities while indoors with TV time limited to 45 min. If I can have an activity scheduled ahead for each day and have the materials ready, then I will most likely do it.

The reason I need to schedule activities for her is because I'm not naturally motivated to play with Ava at a 2-year-old level all day, everyday. It's boring and that's the truth. I can include her in my chores (like putting away clean silverware, folded laundry, etc) but it can only go so far. Ava will play by herself a little bit but she's pretty social and is usually engaging me with talk, demands, attention, etc. So, she really needs activities and a schedule and I do want to provide that for her. I just cannot spontaneously think of activities because I don't function at a 2-year-old level.

Anyway, I was originally online to get a preschool lesson plan or a list of activities and all I've done so far is avoid that by blogging on here. Now, I need to dig up some self-discipline and get back to work. Hopefully, I will have a whole month's worth of planned activities and I will probably enjoy doing most of them with Ava if I didn't have to think them up.

Back to work.